The hardest part is starting

I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD which has been both helpful and incredibly frustrating for me. The helpful parts of this diagnosis is that I have recognized a bunch of behavior I do (which I notice others don’t) is not just a fault of poor character, something which has always haunted me. The incredibly frustrating part about this diagnosis is doing anything about it. Here in lies the problem I’ve always struggled with… The hardest part of doing something is starting. And I did start, after months of a good friend telling me about how life-changing his diagnosis has been for him, followed by lots of not-so-subtle nudges that I exhibit and complain about a lot of the struggles that helped him come to the conclusion to seek treatment - I found an in-network psychologist who promptly diagnosed me with ADHD and mild depression. Due to the huge risk of abuse of ADHD medication, there was a lot of resistance to medicate the symptoms I was struggling with. She started by recommending a supplement called Gingko Billoba - something I was extremely skeptical of, but after a bit of research and finding a couple of stories where it seemed to help people I decided to give it a go. This ended up being a solid month and a half of wasted time and hundreds of dollars - While I absolutely believe some people do feel like this supplement helped them find focus, I see it as no different as pouring a cup of tea to help you settle into some work. This may work as a ritual for some people, but considering the very real, concrete problems I’m targeting, this was not going to cut it.

From here, she actually gave me she started with depression, hoping an off label usage of an SSRI / SNRI could also address the ADHD issues I was struggling with. This was another long experiment - whe titrated up the dosage and once we hit 60mg of the stuff, I was only noticing a (reportedly unrelated, though I’m skeptical) side effect. This meant we then had to scale down the dosage and then try to think of a new plan of attack. However this is where I was told blatantly that my psychiatrist can’t actually prescribe the medicine I would actually need to target my symptoms, which left the whole thing feeling like a scam.

The second hardest part is starting again

This has left me back at the start, but this time with more information. I know I have ADHD, I know to be more of an advocate for myself - not allowing myself to be sold on supplements that may or may not fix my actual problem, I know to be more vocal when something isn’t having an effect for me, but now I have to find another psychiatrist, get their perspective on my condition, get them to agree on medicating it and then get through the gauntlet of ineffective medication they have to try first.

This has had me reflecting a lot on many of the issues I’ve had in my life. Since I was a child, I always struggled taking the first step into discomfort; sitting down to read for 20 minutes (as part of my homework in grade school) was always a hard fought battle with my mom. I would spend more time picking out a book, getting a cup of (mostly sugar and milk) tea ready, finding the most comfortable spot to sit with the best lighting, and then only after more pleading to “just sign off that I read anyways”, would I sit still and read. I could easily jump into a video game, and easily spend 5+ hours doing something menial and repetitive like leveling my mining skill in runescape, but as soon as it was something I didn’t want to do I would start to break down.

It doesn’t get easier

I still have this horrible affliction that makes jumping into a task I don’t want to do incredibly difficult. I am, however, starting to recognize how its impacted me and my personal happiness. By all accounts, I would consider myself successful - I have a wonderful friend group, am living in a place that I sought out, I am pursuing my passions outside of work and have a job that affords me to a huge amount of opportunity both professionally and personally.

I still can’t shake the feeling that an actual diagnosis and treatment would leave me even more “successful” in all of the pursuits that drive me. Would I be able to get more work done in less time in my job? Stay on top of tasks and leave myself feeling more satisfied with what I can accomplish in a day - saving more time and energy for continued learning in my passions? Would I have been able to actually knock out all of the personal projects I’ve dreamed up instead of getting disuaded as soon as I run across the first tedious problem I have to navigate (note - these are hardly ever technical problems that underly the subject I’m interested in. Rather these are issues with your environment, limitations of an SDK/API/auth system, or rabbit hole problems that end up sucking up all of the excitement and time I had for the original problem).

Who am I?

Another problem I’ve grappled with throughout this whole saga is the question of what makes me the person I am? The reductionist answer is the body that binds me - influenced by the environmnet and genetics I’ve experienced.

The question that haunts me is whether or not treating this “defect” of my behavior would leave me being the same person. Would reducing this struggle impact my kindness for others? Would it make me a better person? If I take a medication and it changes how I act around my friends thus changing their perspective of who I am, what does that mean for my identity?

I try to prioritize kindness in my life - I’m imperfect in doing so, but I think I give it a reasonable effort. What if medicating myself changes a core tenant of my identity? I’ve evolved as an individual many times before this, and generall I believe I’ve trended for the better. This specific change scares me because this external impotus to change is something I would have to choose and can’t ever predict the outcome of. When the choice is made for you, in the case of normal environmental change, fear is at least stifled because all you have to worry about is the future. For this decision, I have to consider what it means for my present to become the past and I’m struggling to get past tha and I’m struggling to get past that.